Momentum
by The Emmanator
Summary: All we need is a little bit of momentum. Fifty Kutner and Thirteen centric one-shots written for the LJcomm ships50
1. Bitch, Please

* * *

A lowly collection of fifty little one-shots based around the "unusual" ship of Kutner/"Thirteen" all written for a 50 ships claim

* * *

**Title:** Bitch, Please  
**Prompt: **Bitch, Please.  
**Word Count: **250  
**Pairing: **Kutner + Thirteen friendship  
**Summary: **Kutner and Thirteen discuss a real bitch.

* * *

They both watched Amber walk into the hospital, looking around for Wilson. She had a bag of something in her hand, probably lunch, probably from some fast food joint. They knew Amber didn't cook, without asking.

"So you'd really like to date that?"

"I wouldn't say no."

"House is right. She has no soul."

He rolled his eyes. "You say that. But you think what I think. I know you do."

"And what do you think?" she asked, turning pale eyes on him skeptically.

"You know what I think."

"It changes everyday."

"Think about it. Those legs. Naked. Sprawled ou-"

"Okay. Okay. Stop."

He grinned victoriously. "You're blushing."

"Because that's totally mortifying to hear!"

"No. Because you agree."

"Bitch, please," she said sarcastically, crossing her arms.

"Don't call me a bitch," he muttered.

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Amber said, approaching Kutner and Thirteen, looking curious.

They both avoided her gaze, and each other's, which involved both of them turning their heads about ninety degrees to the opposite side.

"Nothing really. How are you doing?" Kutner said evasively.

"Fine," she said suspiciously. "But I have to get back to work. Bye," she said, turning and leaving the hospital.

"This is why you shouldn't bring up people while they're in the hospital, wait until they leave," Kutner told Thirteen.

"So now it's my fault? You were fantasizing about her in the middle of the hospital!"

"No I wasn't."


	2. Mad With Suspicion

I didn't get inspired to write anymore on my claim until the new episodes came out. Bad me, I know. But here we go. Of course House suspects all the wrong things when something appears so simply explained. But he's House.

* * *

**Title: **Mad With Suspicion  
**Prompt: **24. Agony  
**Word Count: **550- roughly  
**Rating: **PG-ish. References to naughtier things, but nothing really.  
**Warnings/Spoilers: **Through season four.

* * *

"What's wrong with him?" House said, prodding Kutner with his cane, who was lying flat on his back on the floor.

"He, uh, pulled a muscle in his back," Thirteen said hastily.

Kutner groaned.

"How'd you do that?" House asked him.

"Moving furniture with Cole," Kutner grunted. He shifted and took an ice pack from under his back. "Could someone get me some more ice?"

"I'll do it," Thirteen volunteered, grabbing the cold pack and hurrying from the room. Once she was a safe distance away, she allowed herself a laugh.

Kutner was a good liar, even in pain. He hadn't been moving furniture. It had been her fault, well partly her fault, for his present agony. But it was worth it.

* * *

Back in the conference room, House decided to embark on a case of epic proportions, though completely nonmedical.

The REAL reason Kutner was laid out on the floor practically whimpering in pain.

"Do you want me to write you a prescription for some very strong painkillers to make that owie go away?" House asked.

"That would be great," Kutner said.

House scribbled a prescription and tossed it, it floated gently down onto Kutner's chest, and the door opened. Thirteen walked back in and handed Kutner the icepack, he sat up, placed it against his lower back and sighed a little in relief.

"Thirteen, walk Kutner down to the pharmacy and get that prescription filled."

"Who's it for?"

"Him," he said, pointing his cane at Kutner, who had stood up with much grimacing.

"Okay."

They walked out, rather slower than they would have normally.

"Good, they're gone," House said.

"The point of that was?" Foreman asked, looking up from his newspaper.

"We have a case."

"Which requires the sending _away _of half of your team as opposed to keeping them here for differentials?" Foreman pressed, folding up his paper.

"We don't do differentials with patients in the room."

"There's no need, it's just a pulled muscle," Taub said incredulously.

"But WHY did he pull that particular back muscle. Heavy lifting fits. But behavior doesn't."

"So you think he must be lying about helping his friend move furniture?"

"Yes."

Foreman and Taub exchanged skeptical glances, but didn't argue with this.

"So what's your theory? Was he abducted by aliens?"

"I think it's a sex-injury," House said.

Taub laughed. "And that involved getting rid of him why? Guys love bragging about sex injuries, why would he lie about that?"

House clucked his tongue. "Obviously, it's because his fornication is happening in secret and is an agreed-upon secret by the two involved."

"So?"

"God. You two are _slow _today! He's doing Thirteen," House said impatiently.

"You have to be joking," Foreman said. "Thirteen and _Kutner?"_

* * *

"Do you think they bought the furniture excuse?" Kutner asked, popping a couple of the painkillers in his mouth.

"Taub and Foreman may have. Somehow I doubt House will be satisfied with that excuse," Thirteen replied. "Is it really that painful?"

"Yes."

"Sorry," she added briefly.

"It was worth it," he said, following her into the elevator.

"As long as they don't suspect anything," she said.

"Of course they do. But there's no proof so it'll be fine," he said.

He winced in pain.

"It hurts _so _bad," he whined.

"Quit whining. You'll be fine."


	3. Hi, My Name Is

* * *

**Title: **Hi, My Name Is  
**Prompt:** #9. My Name Is...  
**Word Count:** 338.  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Season four spoilers

* * *

"Hey, Kutner wait up!"

It had been a long day and Kutner was planning on getting a lot of good sleep once he got back home, honestly, so being stopped two steps from the elevator never really thrilled him.

"What's up?" he said as Thirteen followed him inside the elevator.

"I don't know. I figured we should talk."

There was a bit of unspoken understanding to that statement. He nodded as the elevator started moving downward.

"So talk?" he said.

"We can start with something simple. I can't believe you haven't asked but…"

Kutner had a hunch about what she was about to say, and smiled to himself.

"My name. You don't know it. Which seems ridiculous-"

"I've slept with plenty of people and not known their names," he joked.

"Shut up. Can I just tell you?"

"Sure, you're the one drawing it out."

"It's-"

The doors to the elevator opened and House stumped in, humming a tune.

They both fell silent.

"I didn't interrupt some kind of love fest did I?"

"No," Thirteen said quickly.

House was under the impression that he had.

They got off the elevator and started towards the parking lot, once they were out of earshot of any hospital workers.

"Sorry. I'm just not really into shouting out my name in front of other people."

"It's fine."

"Well, as we were saying before, it's-"

There was a huge crash across the street as a pickup truck and a smaller sedan collided at an intersection.

"Oh shit," Kutner said.

They ran across the street to see what they could do at the scene.

Once the victims of the crash were taken to the ER, they got back to their cars.

"So-" she started.

"Don't worry about it. We don't need to cause another car crash. Maybe I'm not supposed to know right now," Kutner said, shaking his head.

She smiled a little, though she felt a bit defeated.


	4. Huntington's

**Title: **Huntington's  
**Prompt: **#45. Oops!  
**Rating:** G  
**Warnings/Spoilers: **Up through season four episode five.

* * *

After House had called Thirteen 'Huntington's', Kutner had watched her carefully. He didn't buy her denial of the genetic defect. Most girls her age wouldn't think twice about dropping a file or stumbling out of an elevator.

Your average, everyday 'oops' situation was enough to put Thirteen in an irrationally bad mood.

He hadn't noticed the first time. House had, and thinking back, it did seem unusual. She had just dropped a file. It wasn't a big deal, not to him at least, he dropped stuff all the time. But he supposed it was an indication of a bigger picture to her.

It was strange to him that she wouldn't get tested. Well she may have, it's not like he had asked. But what good would not knowing do? He hated not knowing things, personally. But he had been proved, time and time again, that he was a little bit unusual.

Or maybe it was a female thing.

"What are you staring at?" someone asked from in front of him.

He blinked.

He was caught.

"Uh- nothing."

"Right."

"You're very pretty?"

"Shut up," she said, smiling despite herself. "Your pager just went off, by the way."

He looked down. "I must not have been paying attention."

She walked off and after a couple of seconds he followed.

* * *


	5. Dunanunanun Batman!

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**Title:** Dun-a-nun-a-nun Batman!  
**Characters:** Kutner/Thirteen, House, Wilson, Taub, Foreman  
**Prompt:** #28 Anti-Hero  
**Word Count:** 715  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary: **Kutner has a dream. House is a superhero. He and Thirteen are his sexual-tension riddled sidekicks, Taub is the butler, Foreman is the neighboring hero, and Wilson is that pesky villain that House must defeat (or else be lectured to death?)

* * *

Kutner hated patients who called House a hero. He definitely wasn't a hero. He wasn't a villain, but he wasn't a hero.

More of an anti-hero, he thought. Like the Hulk. Or the Punisher.

Sometimes, Kutner dreamt of comic book characters.

* * *

He woke up one morning and his apartment didn't quite look like his apartment. It looked more like…

Wayne Manor.

He must've been dreaming Batman. He got up and looked in the mirror. He still looked the same as ever.

Maybe he was Batman?

There was the sound of thudding on the floor and his bedroom door flew open.

House?

"Get out of bed, you lazy moron, breakfast is ready."

He followed House (was House the butler?) out and down the stairs to where he saw a few more people gathered around the table already eating breakfast.

"Thirteen?"

She looked up from her eggs. "Hm?"

"Nothing. Good morning," he said.

She gave him a weird smile.

Was she Batgirl?

That might be it.

House said down at the end of the table and Kutner took a seat opposite of Thirteen. Someone dropped a plate in front of him.

He would recognize the short, older man anywhere.

_Taub _was the Butler.

Which meant…

House was Batman.

_How pathetic is it I'm the sidekick in my own stupid dream? _he thought, starting on his breakfast.

After breakfast House left for work and Kutner piddled around House Manor (weird name right?) for the day.

That night, it seemed Princeton (and not Gotham, weird!) needed their help.

The outfits were not the most flattering things ever. Or maybe it was just his? Thirteen's looked fine. More than fine.

_Shit, I'm giving in to the obvious sexual tension between Robin and Batgirl! Resist! _he thought, looking away.

They followed House-Batman to the scene where the villainous Catwoman was robbing banks.

…And by Catwoman, his subconscious meant Wilson.

Kutner had to blink a few times to accept this. He had expected, he didn't know for sure, Cuddy, or Amber even.

But _Wilson? _(What was he going to do, lecture House to death?)

And that catsuit wasn't doing him any favors. House-Batman hit Wilson-Catwoman over the head with his cane and he hissed, leaping from the building top to the next, but falling short.

House-Batman ran to the edge of the building, presumably to go after Wilson-Catwoman and save him, but someone flew up, holding Wilson-Catwoman by the arm.

Foreman- no _Superman _had saved Wilson-Catwoman from being splattered on the sidewalk.

"What are you doing here?" House-Batman said, sounding annoyed.

"I thought I'd swing by," Foreman-Superman said, dropping Wilson-Catwoman at House-Batman's feet. "Help out a little," he added.

"Well it's not appreciated!"

"Yes it is," Foreman-Superman said, rolling his eyes and flying off.

"Don't bother coming back!" House-Batman shouted after him.

* * *

Kutner woke up and instantly started laughing- until he realized that his alarm hadn't gone off (or it had and his subconscious had interpreted it as the police sirens in the dream?) and he was running late. So he got dressed rather quickly and ran out to his car.

By the time he got into work, even House was there before him.

"You're late why?"

"I had this insane dream, you wouldn't believe it."

"You're probably right. Sit down."

He took a seat and after a second, Thirteen elbowed him.

"What?" he said.

"Your shoes don't match," she whispered, pointing at his feet.

It was indeed true, he had put on his intended red low top, but instead of grabbing the other one, he had apparently grabbed a lime green one by mistake.

"Da- I- I did that on purpose," he said, giving a sanctimonious little nod.

She didn't buy it.

House sent them off to do tests.

"So what kind of dream did you have?" Thirteen asked, as they walked to the lab.

"Well House was a superhero," he started. "Batman, to be more specific."

Taub laughed. "Like that'd ever happen."

"Hey, you were the butler."

"What? Why was _I _the butler?"

"I don't know. I was Robin. And Thirteen was Batgirl. And get this, Foreman was _Superman. _And then Wilson was Catwoman."

They all burst into laughter at that.

* * *


	6. What Date?

**Title:** What Date?  
**Characters:** Kutner, Thirteen, House, Taub, Foreman  
**Prompt:** Tease  
**Rating:** PG-13ish.  
**Summary:** Kutner and Thirteen go to the movies, as friends, but everyone assumes the worst (best?) and must ask.

* * *

"So how was it?" Taub inquired leaning over the table towards Kutner.

"…What?"

"Your date with Thirteen."

"What date? It wasn't a date…" he said, sounding a little confused.

"Right."

"No, really, it wasn't a 'date'," he said, using his fingers to trace quotation marks in the air. "We just went to a movie, as friends."

"And afterwards?"

"I went home, and she went home. That's all."

"Mating habits in young ethnic males, discuss," House said frankly as he stumped in.

Thirteen rolled her eyes, Kutner looked confused and Taub laughed.

"So, a date last night?" he said, thumping his cane on the table beside Thirteen's coffee, causing it to spill a little.

"No," she said steadily, sliding her coffee away from the reach of House's cane. "Movies with a friend."

House didn't actually think that either of them would call it a date, nor was it intended to be a date. He just enjoyed seeing his fellows squirm.

"Come on. Everyone knows the routine, boy takes girl to the movies, buys her popcorn, yawns and puts his arm around her and girl lets him into her apartment for a night that totally pays for the five dollar bucket of popcorn."

"How about, girl meets boy at theater, buys her own ticket, hates popcorn, buys herself some candy instead, shares with boy maybe a little, watches movie with no lame pick-up moves and they both smile, hug, say good-bye, and go their separate ways."

"That doesn't happen with two heterosexual, or bisexual even, people of the opposite sex go out alone together."

"Okay, we did throw M&Ms at the movie screen a little. We were the only people in the place."

Kutner laughed, and Taub and Foreman both just shook their heads in disbelief. They couldn't believe that any straight, sane male could go somewhere alone with a woman that attractive just as _friends. _

"I'm still not completely convinced."

"It was totally platonic," Kutner said.

* * *


	7. Hypothetically

**Title:** Hypothetically  
**Characters:** Kutner & Thirteen  
**Prompt: **Feeling Blue  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary: **Kutner has been rejected and Thirteen attempts to cheer him up. Kind of.

* * *

"Uh, Kutner?" Thirteen said, sounding confused as she walked through the cafeteria.

The person in question was staring morosely at a cup of coffee like it had run over his puppy. His eyes jumped up when she set her tray down across from him and plopped down in the empty chair.

"What's wrong?" Kutner was normally someone who was perpetually cheerful, and the most unhappy he had been in the presence of Princeton-Plainsboro was when Cole had sold him out for his own immunity, and even then he had bounced back quickly.

"Nothing."

"Really. You haven't looked this sad since…" she paused. "What's wrong?"

"Hypothetically speaking, I asked a very hot, sexy blonde girl out and she's already, hypothetically seeing some sculpted hair oncologist, and I'm hypothetically feeling like crap for not having perfect hair."

She got the joke. "So you got rejected?"

"Hypothetically, yes."

"You should consider that maybe the certain smoking hot blonde you just tried to woo might be too…well, evil, for you."

"She has great legs. Hypothetically."

"I'm sure there are a lot of hypothetically great legs out in the world waiting for you."

He laughed.


	8. Picking Glass

The first line was a gift from a friend as inspiration, and I ran with it. Hope you like!

* * *

**Title: **Picking Glass  
**Prompt: **Reckless  
**Word Count:** 484  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary: **Kutner does something overly reckless, and Thirteen is there to pick the pieces- quite literally.

* * *

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," he said sheepishly, as she ran her fingers through his hair in efforts to pick out any stray pieces of glass.

"How much money did you get for this again?" she asked.

"Fifty bucks. But I mean…I didn't do it for the money."

"No shit, you have a decent paycheck, why would you do this for anything other than sheer idiotic glory?" she muttered. "Your head's clean, give me your arms."

He held out his arms and she moved around to the front of him, he jumped a little when her pale hands touched his skin.

"Hurt?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I'm fine."

"You just jumped through a window, I'm sure you're in pain," she countered. "I had no idea you were so reckless."

"I was bored."

"Why didn't anyone try and talk you out of it?"

"I don't exactly have the angel-on-the-shoulder thing going on. If I get the urge to do something, I do it."

They were sitting in a clinic exam room, it was probably four in the morning by that point. It had been about three AM when Kutner had called Thirteen requesting that she take him to the hospital. On the way there, he told her the story of his encounter with the pane-glass window of some abandoned shop or something.

If it had been anyone else, she wouldn't have bothered helping.

She finished picking out the shards of glass and cleaned the bleeding wounds carefully, before handing him a roll of gauze.

"Take off your pants," she said.

"What?"

"Your jeans are shredded, I figured I should check your legs for glass too," she said, narrowing her eyes. "Take off your pants and while I get glass, you can wrap your arms."

He frowned as he slid off the exam table and dropped his pants. Kutner wasn't one who knew shame or modesty very well, he didn't get embarrassed or abashed easily. But having someone who was so utterly, mind-blowing attractive within three inches of his crotch for something purely medical was a little disheartening.

She didn't seem to find anything in his calves or shins and moved up. She plucked a piece of glass out of his right knee and moved up. He felt the tiny pair of tweezers poke into his left thigh sharply and quickly pull out.

Thirteen straightened up, blushing slightly.

"What are you blushing about?" he asked as she handed him antiseptic and turned around.

"I'm not blushing," she said steadily. "But before you ever do anything this reckless again, think about having to wake me up at ungodly hours and get eye-to-eye with your junk."

"You can be eye-to-eye with my junk any day," he said under his breath.

She glared at him.

"Did you actually hear that?"

"Yes."

For once, Kutner was embarrassed.

"I'm never, ever doing you another favor."


	9. Is That Neil Patrick Harris?

**Title:** Is That Neil Patrick Harris?  
**Characters:** Kutner/Thirteen, Neil Patrick Harris (a la Harold and Kumar, not the real Neil Patrick Harris)  
**Prompt:** Young  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 4  
**Summary:** An old friend visits Kutner and they have an...interesting night. (Slight Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle/Escape From Guantanamo Bay crossover?)

* * *

"Is that Neil Patrick Harris?" House whispered to Wilson, eyeing a blond man in dark shades a few feet away.

"I think it is," Wilson agreed.

"Neil! You got here in one piece," someone said from behind Wilson and House, rapidly approaching the mysterious guest.

"Kutner, my good man, how are you doing? Ready to party with your old friend, like back when we were young?" the stranger that so resembled Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser, M.D.) asked emphatically as he shook Kutner's hand.

"Uh, I don't know, I've got some work to do."

"Forget it," his friend said. "You and me are going to get blitzed out of our skulls just like before you went to med sch- well hello, beautiful," he said, momentarily distracted as Thirteen walked by.

"What?" she said, turning to look at him.

"Me and my good buddy here are going partying tonight, how about you come with us and show old Neil around town?" he said slickly, smirking slightly.

"No thanks," she said, raising an eyebrow and laughing at him a little before disappearing around a corner.

"Hey man, chill out," Kutner said, hitting his companion on the shoulder. "You can't hit on my coworkers."

"Oh, you want a piece of that?" he asked, gesturing to where Thirteen had disappeared as they walked towards the doors.  
"That's not it," he said, shaking his head.

* * *

Two hours later, in a dark bar, Kutner and his mysterious blond friend (who everyone seemed to think was Neil Patrick Harris) were drinking shots at a surprising rate.

"So dude, remember that one time I stole you guys' car and was out all night?"

"Yeah, I do," Kutner said lightly. "God that was such a long time ago."

"Really, I'm still sorry about the love stains."

"It's cool, really," he said dismissively. "You've gotten us out of some tight spots."

"Happy to help," he said. "So what about that chick?"

"Who? Thirteen?"

"Yeah that crazy hot one," he agreed. "Gonna tap that?"

"In my dreams, maybe. She's _way _too hot for me."

"You never know until you try."

"I guess."

A dark headed guy who barely looked old enough to drink too a seat next to Neil. "Dude, aren't you that guy that screwed my mom?"

"Fuck yes bro, that pussy was bomb."

The kid got up and practically ran from the bar.  
The drinking continued and the two of them eventually stumbled out of the bar, arm in arm, singing some ridiculous tune.

"I am…way too drunk to drive," Kutner said, fumbling for his keys.

"I'll drive."

"Neil I don't think that's a-" but Neil had already grabbed Kutner's keys and gotten in the car. Before Kutner could get in the passenger seat, Neil sped off.

"Dammit," Kutner muttered, beginning the long walk down the dark street. He didn't exactly know where he was going, but he remembered vaguely that Thirteen's apartment was around here somewhere, and decided that could be his destination.

"Kutner?" Thirteen asked as she opened the door to her apartment. "What are you doing here?"

"Neil Patrick Harris stole my car," he said simply.

"You're completely wasted," she said, sounding irritated. "You reek of weed, get out of my hall," she said, pulling him inside.

"I'm not _that _wasted," he defended as she closed the door.

"Right, okay, _Neil Patrick Harris _stole your car," she repeated back at him.

"He's done it before. But he was on ecstasy. He's a lunatic."

"…Okay. Kutner. Go to sleep," she said, gesturing towards the couch. But Kutner wandered off in his own direction. After a moment, she followed him and found him to be sprawled out on _her _bed, snoring loudly.

She sighed and shoved him over a couple of inches and dedicated half of her bed to her sleep (she only needed half of it anyway, so she didn't bother trying to rouse Kutner).

* * *

Kutner woke up the next morning with the most pleasant smell in his nose.

And a not-so-pleasant headache. He sat up and looked around.

He was lying in bed with Thirteen, still in the clothes he had worn out with Neil. She was in pajamas that didn't leave a lot to the imagination. He had to stop and appreciate it for a few minutes.

She stirred and rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows and looking at him.

"Did we…?" he asked, not clearly remembering the events of the previous not.

"No."

"Good," he said, sounding relieved. "No offense or anything. I just, get stupid when I'm drunk. Especially last night, I felt like I was twenty-two again."

She laughed. "Get up, we have to get to work."

"God," he groaned, holding his head. "Neil stole my car, _again," _he muttered. "I've got to stop partying with him."

"Let me get a shower and I'll give you a ride to work, if you need it, we'll go and find your car after."

He nodded.

She showered and get dressed, and they walked down to where her car was parked.

"How are you going to find your car?" she asked him as she opened her car door.

"Neil has a habit of showing up at the perfect moment and resolving everything," he said.

"So you've known him a while?"

"Since before I went to med school," he said. "Me and my roommate got into some crazy shit one night and he kind of bailed us out, numerous times." He smiled at the memory. "I miss being young."

"You aren't that old," she said, rolling her eyes.

A short drive and they were back at Princeton-Plainsboro. Thirteen parked and they walked up to the building, as soon as they walked through the glass door, someone called out to Kutner.

"Hey! Kutner! Hey!"

Neil ran up to Kutner, who looked irritated and relieved.

"Your keys," he said, handing Kutner the keys and clapping him on the shoulder. "And fifty bucks for a steam cleaner." He handed Kutner a few bills.

"Neil, not _again."_

"Sorry, man. But, yeah, sorry about stealing your car again."

"It's fine, I guess."

"Oh, and you, hot girl," he said, looking at Thirteen. "My friend here wants to bone you," he said, wiggling his eyebrows a little.

Thirteen turned away briefly and Kutner glared.

"_Neil." _

"I felt that honesty is the best policy."

Kutner wasn't one to stay mad about things. "Do you need a ride to your car or anything?"

Neil laughed and put his sunglasses on. "Are you kidding? I'm Neil Patrick Harris!" he said, pulling a cord hanging conspicuously out of his jacket, the sound of an engine rumbled and Neil rose into the air and sped off into the morning.

"I _told _you it was Neil Patrick Harris," House hissed at Wilson as they walked into the hospital.


	10. The Thing About Lovers

**Title:** The Thing About Lovers  
**Characters: **Kutner/Thirteen, House  
**Prompt: ** Lovers  
**Rating: **PG-13ish  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 4  
**Summary: **House ponders lovers who try and keep secrets, and why Kutner and Thirteen are better at it than Chase and Cameron ever were.

* * *

House noticed a lot. Mostly subtle things.

The trick to forgetting the big pictures was to focus on all the details.

"Kutner and Thirteen are sleeping together," he whispered to Wilson behind his coffee.

"How do you figure?" Wilson said, humoring another ridiculous hunch, but knowing he was probably right.

"They arent very obvious about it, not like Chase and Cameron were. But, there are things. She laughs more at what he says than what Foreman or Taub does."

"Maybe, just maybe, Kutner is funnier than Taub or Foreman," Wilson suggested.

"No. That can't be it," he muttered, leaning in. "Something is telling me that they are definitely sleeping together."

Wilson said something about meeting Amber for lunch and drifted off, House continued to watch his fellows interact.

They all departed from the cafeteria and House deemed it prudent to follow. He wanted to notice something that would confirm his suspicion.

That's the odd thing about lovers, no matter how subtle they think they're being, there's always the most miniscule detail that gives them away.

Today, it was a dropped file.

Normally, Thirteen always picked up the things she dropped, got defensive for a few moments and then regained composure.

House watched this subtle scene of affection at a distance. The file slipped from her grip, and Kutner reflexively went down and grabbed it. Instead of snatching or snapping (as House had declared typical for her) she took it with a smile and they continued walking.

No one else would've thought this unusual at all.

But to House, it was definitive proof. More than a pulled muscle or a late night.

They were much better at hiding it than Chase and Cameron had been. They didn't interrupt their work schedules for nookie, they didn't shower together in the morning or make it obvious they had been together the night before. No one suspected them, so they didn't have to go to great lengths to deny it.

They were perfect, in that screwed up we're-just-friends-who-fuck way.

There was nothing other than friendship tinged with lust. There were no romantic feelings, as far as he had observed. Kutner wasn't going to become Chase, pining with unrequited love and begging until he got what he wanted.

The odd thing about lovers was sometimes they weren't meant to get caught.

He decided not to out them. They weren't causing problems, they still offered separate diagnoses during differentials, instead of agreeing with each other solely because they spent their nights together.

Kutner and Thirteen left in separate cars to get to the same location that night after work.


	11. A Little Piece of Drama

**Title: **A Little Piece of Drama  
**Prompt: **Drama  
**Word Count: **850  
**Rating: **PG  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 4  
**Summary: **Kutner and Thirteen have a little fight.

* * *

"Do you want me to get you another drink?" Thirteen asked, taking the glass from Kutner's hand and getting up from the couch.

"Yeah sure," he said. She walked to the kitchen and opened the freezer, where a nearly empty bottle of liquor was sitting. They had been drinking for well over an hour. She grabbed the bottle and walked over to the table, but before she could set the glass back down it slipped out of her hand and shattered all over the linoleum floor. She set the bottle down and bent down to pick up the shards of glass.

Kutner got up and walked over to assist, chuckling to himself (he was a little drunk at this point). He knelt down and grabbed some stray shards.

"God, Huntington's much?" He laughed a little under his breath, but after a silent few seconds, he knew he had definitely said something wrong.

Thirteen's eyes narrowed and an angry reddish tinge rose in her cheeks. Kutner straightened up and put the pieces of glass in his hands in the garbage can as she rose to her feet, oddly unsteady.

"Leave," she said in a flat voice.

"What?"

"Get out." She was mad. He had never seen her mad. It was kind of intimidating.

"Why? What did I do?"

"Don't be an idiot. Just, get the hell out of here," she demanded.

"I'm too drunk to drive, Thirteen," he said, looking slightly confused.

She pointed to the door. "I don't car. Sleep in your goddamn car if you have to. Just leave."

Kutner found no real reason to argue this and grabbed his coat and walked out of her apartment. He heard the door slam behind him. He couldn't wrap his half-drunk imagination around why she had gotten so pissed off so suddenly. She was never usually that sensitive.

* * *

The next morning Kutner trudged into work, a little late, with a hangover and in the same clothes he had worn the day before.

"What happened to you?" Taub asked, wrinkling his nose at the scent of alcohol on his colleagues clothes.

"I slept in my car."

"Why? Too drunk to drive home?"

"Yeah."

His tone was short and he sounded exhausted and irritated, so Taub didn't press the matter. Thirteen walked in shortly after Kutner had gotten settled. On a normal say, she would sit opposite Taub, beside Kutner, today, however she sat down between Taub and Foreman and turned her body so she was completely facing House's trusty whiteboard.

"The tension in this room is…palpable," House announced as he walked in. "So who would like to explain why?"

"Why don't you ask Kutner?" Taub suggested with a sly smirk.

House turned his eyes to the visibly disheveled Kutner.

"There's no tension?" Kutner supplied lamely.

"Yes there is. A lot of it. And it's coming from…" House swung his arm in an exaggerated circle, slowing at Kutner but then suddenly jerking off to Thirteen. "You. So tell me."

"Nothing to tell," she said, her eyebrows creasing a little.

"Stop lying, both of you."

"It's completely irrelevant even if there is tension in the room. Don't we have a patient?"

"Yes. But I need my doctors to get along."

"Since when have you cared about anything like that at all?" Foreman asked from behind his newspaper. "Cameron hated me and probably would still hate me if I hadn't nearly died," he reminded House.

"I care about it since right now," House said defiantly, pointing his cane at the door. "Go out in the hall, you two, the teacher will be out there to sort this all out momentarily."

Kutner and Thirteen got up and walked out of the room.

"Are you going to go talk to them?" Taub asked.

"No."

Out in the hall, the silence stretched on.

"We should just go back in there. He isn't going to come out and talk to us or whatever," Kutner said, slightly uncomfortable.

"We aren't even going to talk?" she asked.

"I figured you were giving me the silent treatment. You know, until you chilled out."

She raised an eyebrow. "Until _I '_chilled out'?_" _she said incredulously. "I was just waiting for _you _to apologize."

"Why do I have to apologize for you being too sensitive?"

"Too sensitive? What about you being totally insensitive?"

"I was being insensitive? I was half drunk!"

Thirteen just shook her head and turned towards the door.

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'm sorry I offended you."

"Let's just go back inside okay," she said, her voice had lightened a little.

Kutner agreed and they walked back in.

"All better now?" House asked sarcastically, leaning on his cane as if he, Taub and Foreman hadn't been listening in on the entire conversation.

"Sure, whatever," Thirteen said, taking a seat.

"That little piece of drama is now out of the air, we can get on with less important things, like finding out what's wrong with…what'shisface."

* * *


	12. Symphony of Heavy Breathing

A/N: The italics (in narration and dialogue) are from the song _Himerus and Eros _by The Spill Canvas, which inspired this ficlet, which was going to be longer and more explicit but I decided not to push my luck.

* * *

**Title: **Symphony of Heavy Breathing  
**Prompt:** Sexual  
**Word Count: **350  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season 4, vaguely referenced sex  
**Summary:** Loosely inspired by the song _Himerus and Eros _by The Spill Canvas. Kutner makes a spontaneous decision.

* * *

_You're captivating while evading all the questions I have for you. _It had been spontaneous. He had always been known for crazy ideas and spontaneous decisions. But this had been the most reckless of them all.

But luckily for him, he hadn't been the only one with this idea. The door swung open and they locked eyes and they seemed to both know what the other wanted. Somehow.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure," she said, moving aside and letting him in before shutting the door behind her, and, inexplicably, locking it.

_Your tongue is wet with top secret passion, I hope I am the cause of it. _

At first, the first kiss, had been awkward, if only a little. Then it transformed into something forceful and darkly passionate, and he ended up flat on his back on her bed.

She was just toying with him now, and he rolled his eyes as she finally joined him on the bed.

"_I hate you," _he said simply, rolling over and kissing her.

"_I hate you more," _she retorted.

The passionate endeavor could've lasted an hour or a week, he had basically lost track of the time.

And, like a normal woman, after five minutes, she was ready to go again.

He wasn't going to complain.

_I wish I meant a little more than the symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips._

A lot of things had spilled over into this little escapade, anger, tension, passion, and neither of them were surprised to wake up with a few bruises here and there. They got out of bed the next morning and she just stared at him for a moment or two.

"If you keep staring, I might do a trick or break out into a musical number," he joked, looking around for his pants.

"Was this premeditated?" she asked.

"Spending the night wasn't," he said vaguely.

"I mean, did you spontaneously drive yourself over here and…?"

He looked thoughtful. "I didn't wake up yesterday morning planning on nailing you," he said finally.

* * *


	13. The Laws of Attraction, pt 1

**Title: **The Laws of Attraction pt. 1  
**Prompt:** #50. Attraction  
**Rating: **PG-ish.  
**Summary:** Thirteen ponders when exactly she liked Kutner, and why.

* * *

For Thirteen, the attraction was absolutely not initial. The first time she saw Kutner, she saw a guy who had gotten his daddy to pay his way through med school and beyond, just your average everyday conspiracy theorist nerd.

Of course, a lot of her assumptions about people were dead wrong, the assumption that Kutner was someone who expected things to be handed to him was especially wrong.

But it didn't excuse the fact that he was reckless, loud, (and a little strange).

She decided she liked him when he refused to be fired, flipped his number around on his chest and pulled a diagnosis out of nowhere. He had impressed House, so he had impressed her.

So Thirteen respected Kutner.

Of course, upon earning the slightest bit of respect, he electrocuted himself and nearly got fired. She was glad she hadn't made friends, (so she couldn't be betrayed by them).

The respect wore on, she still thought he was utterly ridiculous, to be honest, some of his ideas were terrible, but as the weeks wore on, he was dead on, several times, or at least a lot closer to the goal than anyone else.

Thirteen had sensed standing up to House had been a real thrill to him. Kutner was a risk taker to the point of being your run-of-the-mill masochist.

She liked that. She also liked that he respected her as a doctor and not as a pretty girl (because, face it, she was gorgeous and she got a lot of attention based on that fact) and he didn't ogle her, he actually didn't pay a lot of attention to her at all unless he had to.

Though she was a little offended when she had found out he had asked Amber out first.

Insecurity had always been her biggest fault (but Kutner had never been insecure, not since high school at least).

She respected Kutner, she liked Kutner.

She wasn't a fan of getting attached, she liked being able to keep things under the surface.

Of course she couldn't do that constantly. Everyone needed company.

She decided that Kutner definitely deserved to stick around after the first time they had sex (she couldn't call it anything else because that's all it had been).

It hadn't just been good (and it had) it had been fun.

Her scale for rating sexual encounters (it was a mental thing, she didn't write things down or anything ridiculous like that) didn't include a 'fun' rating.

So Thirteen liked Kutner (a lot).


	14. The Laws of Attraction, pt 2

**Title: **The Laws of Attraction pt. 2  
**Prompt:** #38. Beautiful  
**Word Count:** 349  
**Rating:** PG-ish.  
**Summary:** Kutner ponders what made him like Thirteen.

* * *

For Kutner, the attraction was definitely not initial. Of course, when he first saw her she was beautiful, but he wasn't really into her. She was just a girl that was hiding something (or pretending to hide something) and Kutner had never valued an air of mystery. Most guys were star struck by her looks.

He didn't give a damn really. If she was a good doctor, go her, if not, oh well.

She was a good doctor. And, interestingly enough (to him at least), she never saw things as absolute. She saw a lot of grey area, she believed people could change, and didn't judge people or put them in boxes.

So Kutner respected Thirteen.

She kind of bit his head off a lot, he noticed. It was stupid a lot, and he didn't care. Women were like that.

He still didn't really know much about Thirteen (and he didn't bother asking really) and that perpetually irritated him.

After getting turned down by Amber (and moping for a day or so, admittedly), he finally acknowledged it.

Thirteen was beautiful, and despite her mystery and avoidance, he liked her a little.

It's not like they'd be together forever and ever, or even at all.

He just appreciated the beauty a little more, now that they weren't fighting for their jobs and she was going out of her way to hide anything.

Kutner really liked Thirteen when he found out she wasn't happy (with whatever, the question hadn't been specific).

Just another one of those weird quirks he had.

He was pretty confident he could get something out of Thirteen.

Kutner had never been an insecure guy (except in high school, but who isn't insecure in high school?).

It was really the sex that put things in perspective.

It had run the gamut of things, though it had never hit the 'bad' end of the scale. It had been awkward, fun, ridiculous, lovely, rough, weird, painful, and above all, kind of nice.

So Kutner liked Thirteen (a lot).


	15. So, I Heard

**Title:** So, I Heard...  
**Prompt:** Denial  
**Word Count:** 382  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Through season four (not counting House's Head/Wilson's Heart)  
**Summary:** Amber inquires about Thirteen and Kutner's odd relationship and finds out a little more than she bargained for.

* * *

"I heard you're sleeping with Kutner," Amber said bluntly, sitting down beside Thirteen as she was unpacking her lunch.

"And if I am?"

"Interesting choice," Amber said, shrugging. "He's not the type of guy I'd expect to see you with, but if that's what your into," she added, gesturing across the cafeteria where Kutner was explaining something (rather enthusiastically, with hand gestures and full body movements) to Taub (who seemed very amused by the younger one's antics) while Foreman read his newspaper. "Why aren't you sitting with them anyway?"

"Just didn't feel like it today."

"Did you have a fight?"

"We don't fight," she said simply. "Nothing to fight about. We aren't a couple."

Amber shrugged. "Is it interesting?"

"Is what?"

"Him," she said.

"Why are you even here?"

"Wilson and I were supposed to have lunch, but he's busy with a patient and so I'm waiting," she said. "But why do you always avoid my questions?"

"Yeah, it is interesting," Thirteen said, getting irritated.

"What kind of interesting?"

"We leave you and Wilson in the dust," she muttered. "At least from how House talks about you two."

Amber's attention had finally been caught, instead of trying to pry into Thirteen's business as she had gotten into the habit of when she was a fellow, she was genuinely curious as to why Thirteen would think something like _that._

"What makes you think that?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well…Kutner isn't as old, and he's…well-"  
"A science experiment," Amber muttered.

"He is not," Thirteen snapped, getting more and more obviously irritated.

"He's a cute science experiment sure," Amber said thoughtfully.

"Just shut up, really," Thirteen said. "It's not funny, and whatever you're trying to prove isn't going to work."

"I was just trying to make conversation," Amber said, feigning innocence.

"And then you went into denial mode that maybe what I have is better than what you have," the brunette added, rolling her eyes. "I have work to do, Amber." Thirteen left the table and walked over to where Kutner, Taub and Foreman were sitting and the four of them left the cafeteria together, with a puzzled Amber left to ponder.


	16. Bonding with Patients

**Title:** Bonding with Patients.  
**Prompt: ** #29 Questions  
**Word Count:** 530  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warnings/Spoilers: **General season four of course.  
**Summary:** A rather inquisitive young patient and Kutner have a conversation.

* * *

Kutner was checking the IV on their current patient, a seventeen year old boy. Kutner liked this kid, he reminded him of himself.

The door opened.

"You've been in here a while, so I got you some lunch," Thirteen said, handing him a bag.

He peaked in the bag. It was a sandwich and some chips.

"Thanks," he said with a smile.

Her eyes darted from the patient back to Kutner and she returned the smile before leaving.

"Did I ruin the moment?" the kid, Andrew, asked, watching Thirteen's retreating back.

"Nah, she's usually like that."

"Your girlfriend or something?"

Kutner looked over the monitors. "Something like that."

"How long have you been dating or whatever?"

Yeah, this kid was definitely still in high school.

"I wouldn't call it dating. We just hang out a lot."

"And have sex?"

"Aren't you a little young to be asking this?" Kutner asked, more amused than embarrassed. He sat down beside the kid's bed and pulled his cellophane wrapped sandwich out.

"I've had sex before, I'm not a baby."

"Well yeah, we do."

"She's hot."

"I count myself lucky."

"I wish some hot doctor would bring me lunch," Andrew said, spinning his hospital bracelet.

Kutner laughed. "I'll make sure a hot nurse brings you dinner, kid," he replied.

He took a bite of the sandwich as the patient looked around, searching for a new question to ask.

"Do you love her?"

He choked a little on his sandwich. Then faltered before he could even speak. "I…really like her."

"You aren't in love with her though?"

"No. We aren't really that serious."

They weren't serious. Half the time he didn't even think of them as a couple. It's not like they went out to dinner or held hands in public or even displayed any kind of affection in public at all. Occasionally they went to a movie or a bar, sometimes they held hands on his couch watching some lame late-night TV show or when Thirteen was scared during a cheesy horror-flick but didn't want to admit it.

"Have you ever been in love?"

"No. Have you?" he shot back. Sometimes he hated personal questions.

"Well there's this girl in my gym class. She's funny and nice and super hot. She's got _great _legs." He grinned lazily.

"I wouldn't call that love."

"Close enough. How come you've never been in love?"

"Well I don't know. I've just never had a cool enough girlfriend."

"She seems cool," Andrew replied, pointing to the door.

"Yeah, she is. But I gotta go talk to my boss," he said, crumpling the empty cellophane wrapper and chip bag and stuffing them in the brown bag. "Someone else will be in here in a few minutes, and I'll keep my promise about that hot nurse," he said.

"You better," he called as Kutner shut the door.

He met up with Taub somewhere between the patient's room and the elevators.

"What's got you in such a good mood?"

"I don't know, I like that kid."

Taub just rolled his eyes.

* * *


	17. The Lab Tech With the Tongue Stud

**Title:** The Lab Tech With the Tongue Stud  
**Prompt: ** #20 Seeing Red  
**Word Count:** 490  
**Rating: **PGish  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Spoilers up to "Don't Ever Change"  
**Summary:** "I saw Amber drop off Wilson this morning." "That sounds right. The male typically drives the female." "She kiss him or he kiss her?" "I didn't see, the lab tech with the tongue stud also pulled up."

* * *

On normal days, the three fellows (and Foreman) working under Gregory House sat together and ate lunch. Well, Foreman poked at his sandwich and read the newspaper, the others ate.

Today, what an outsider would call the 'life and soul' of the table was conspicuously absent.

Dr. Thirteen's pale eyes were narrow and stuck in the direction of a close by table.

Their companion was sitting at a table to the left of them with a very tan girl with black hair with bright red streaks, and she was smiling.

"Is he…flirting?" Taub whispered to Foreman.

"Yes," Foreman said, peering over his newspaper.

There was laughter from the other table.

Thirteen had never really acknowledged that she even particularly liked Kutner as a friend, let alone that she would feel utterly possessive with the fact that he was flirting with some lab tech.

"Thirteen?"

She looked over at Foreman.

"Your glaring," he said in his normal, matter-of-fact voice.

"He's making an idiot of himself."

"He's probably going to get some tonight too," Taub said, smirking.

She glared at the two of them.

"Are you jealous?" Foreman asked.

"Why would I be jealous of someone that Kutner was flirting with?"

"Good question. Why are you?"

"I just don't like that labtech."

"Or you do like Kutner?"

"Quit being ridiculous."

--

The next day Thirteen had completely justified the fact that no, she was not jealous of the lab tech with the tongue stud. She was just annoyed at her coworker for making an asshole of himself.

Kutner came into the conference room with an extra spring in his step.

Taub clucked his tongue.

"You dog."

"Whatever." Kutner laughed and sat down.

Foreman looked from Thirteen to Kutner over his newspaper, and then resumed reading.

House walked in, barking off symptoms and shooting down diagnoses.

"Kutner, Thirteen, go search the patients home. Toxins, parasites, anything that could give us an idea."

Kutner got up, but Thirteen hesitated before following.

The car ride over to the patients home was uncomfortably silent.

"You're being quiet…er than usual," he said vaguely as Thirteen messed with the radio.

"Did you sleep with that lab tech?" she asked finally.

"Yes?"

Thirteen crossed her arms over her chest and stared forward.

"Is that bad?"

"No," she said evasively. "You have every right to get laid. I can't say otherwise. I was just wondering."

The patients home was located in a tidy little suburb, they parked on the curb outside the house.

Kutner opened his car door, but looked at Thirteen for a second. "You're prettier than her," he said briefly, getting out of the car and shutting the door behind him.

She followed out, pretending like the comment hadn't phased her at all. But it did make her feel a little better.

"Let's do some breaking and entering then," he said, clapping his hands together enthusiastically.


End file.
